It’s strange how love can make some people feel more insecure than confident. You’d think being loved would finally shut up that small voice that says, “you’re not enough.” But for a lot of people, it only makes that voice louder.
That’s what happens with imposter syndrome in relationships — when someone starts feeling like they don’t quite deserve the person they’re with. They wait for the moment the other shoe drops, for the partner to realize they’re not as smart, as kind, as funny, as whatever they were supposed to be.
It’s not always obvious. It hides under jokes like “you’re way out of my league,” or brushing off compliments with, “you’re just saying that.” It looks like humility, but it’s really fear dressed up as humor.
Psychologists first used the term “imposter syndrome” in the 1970s to describe high-achieving professionals who doubted their own success. Now it’s showing up in relationships too — just quieter.
Dr. Melissa Rivera, a relationship therapist, says it’s surprisingly common. “People who grew up around conditional love, or who had to earn affection, often feel like being loved freely can’t be real,” she explained. “So instead of relaxing into it, they question it.”
That constant questioning chips away at closeness. It makes someone pull back before they can be rejected. They’ll joke, deflect, act overly independent — anything that keeps the spotlight off their vulnerability.
What’s tricky is that most partners don’t even realize what’s going on. They just see someone who can’t take a compliment or always expects the worst. It can be exhausting on both sides.
Imagine trying to love someone who doesn’t believe you when you say they’re enough. Every nice thing you say bounces off. Every reassurance fades within a day. After a while, even the most patient partner starts to wonder, what else can I do?
And the truth is — it’s not about doing more. It’s about the person with imposter feelings learning to see themselves as someone who’s allowed to be loved without earning it.
There’s a pattern that often appears: people with imposter feelings choose partners who reinforce their doubts. Sometimes they go for someone emotionally distant or overly critical because it feels familiar. Other times they end up with someone genuinely kind, which somehow feels even more uncomfortable.
One counselor put it simply: “When love feels easy, it doesn’t feel believable.” That’s the loop. They mistake stability for boredom, kindness for pity, and keep chasing relationships that confirm their insecurities.
A 2022 study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people with higher levels of imposter feelings reported more anxiety about being rejected — even when their partners showed consistent affection. The researchers called it “anticipatory rejection.” Basically, they were so sure they’d eventually be left that they never allowed themselves to fully connect.
It’s sad, because that mindset can quietly sabotage good relationships. You start reading too much into texts. You interpret silence as disinterest. You overthink tone. You apologize for things that don’t need apologizing for. The whole time, you’re not present — you’re waiting to be proven right about being unworthy.
And the partner feels it too. They feel like they’re constantly trying to convince someone that they’re lovable, and that turns into pressure. Love starts to feel like work instead of warmth.
One therapist described it as “trying to pour water into a cup with a crack.” No matter how much reassurance you give, it never fills.
The fix isn’t more reassurance — it’s changing how the person sees themselves. That takes work that happens outside the relationship. Therapy helps. Sometimes just talking openly about those fears helps too. Not in a heavy way, but in a “this is something I struggle with” way.
And yes, there’s a way out of it. It starts small. Believing compliments instead of dismissing them. Not assuming every bit of kindness comes with an agenda. Letting someone love you without feeling like you owe them back.
It’s not easy — it goes against everything imposter thoughts teach you — but that’s the point.
Psychologists say the trick is to act as if the belief were true, even before it feels real. So when someone says, “you’re amazing,” instead of laughing it off, you just say, “thanks.” It sounds tiny, but it’s the beginning of rewiring how the brain receives love.
There’s also a subtle shift that happens when people realize that love isn’t a reward. It’s not proof of being “good enough.” It’s a connection — one that two imperfect people build. The ones who manage to hold onto that idea tend to have calmer, stronger relationships.
It’s not about confidence, exactly. It’s about acceptance.
Because imposter syndrome in love isn’t really about fear of losing someone. It’s fear of being seen.
And real love, the kind that lasts, can’t grow if someone is hiding the whole time.
So maybe the answer isn’t trying to feel worthy of love. Maybe it’s understanding that love isn’t something you have to earn at all.
Because the person who keeps waiting to be “found out” usually doesn’t need to change who they are — they just need to believe that being loved doesn’t require a performance.
Love that lasts has nothing to do with perfection. It’s built by two people who both know they’re flawed — and show up anyway.