People don't talk about this enough. We hear a lot about daddy issues, but a complicated relationship with a mother can leave just as many scars. And those scars? They don’t magically disappear when you hit adulthood. Instead, they show up in the way you trust (or don’t trust) people, in the way you react when someone criticizes you, and sometimes in that deep-rooted feeling that no matter what you do, it's not quite enough.
How mommy issues in women start
A girl’s first example of what it means to be a woman often comes from her mom. She's the one teaching—whether intentionally or not—how to handle emotions, how to treat people, and even how to handle self-worth. But when the mother-daughter dynamic is full of criticism, emotional distance, or unpredictable behavior, it can send some pretty confusing messages.
For example, let’s say a mom is overly critical. No matter how well her daughter does, there’s always something wrong. Got an A? Why wasn’t it an A+? Lost five pounds? Why not ten? Over time, this kind of thing turns into an internal voice that never shuts up—"You're not good enough." Even as an adult, that voice can be impossible to turn off, no matter how successful or loved you are.
Then there’s the emotionally unavailable mom. The one who was physically there but never truly present. She didn’t celebrate your wins, didn’t comfort you when you cried, and basically treated emotions like they were something to be avoided. That kind of upbringing can make it hard to express feelings or even recognize them. Later in life, this can lead to shutting people out or struggling to connect in relationships.
And let’s not forget the unpredictable moms—one day, she’s loving and warm; the next, she’s distant or angry for no reason. This kind of instability can leave a woman constantly guessing, walking on eggshells, or feeling anxious in relationships because she never knows when the people around her might change without warning.
How it shows up in adulthood
So, what happens when a woman grows up with these kinds of experiences? Well, let’s just say the effects don’t magically disappear once she moves out. Mommy issues in women can show up in all kinds of ways.
- Perfectionism: Always feeling like you have to prove yourself, whether at work, in relationships, or just in everyday life. It’s like this invisible pressure to be "perfect" so no one has a reason to criticize you.
- People-pleasing: Struggling to say "no" because deep down, there's a fear that if you don’t make people happy, they’ll leave or stop caring about you.
- Difficulty with trust: Maybe it’s hard to believe that people actually like you or won’t eventually turn on you. After all, if your own mom was unpredictable or distant, why would anyone else be different?
- Fear of expressing emotions: If emotions were dismissed or criticized growing up, they might feel uncomfortable or even shameful now. Crying in front of someone? No thanks. Being vulnerable? Even worse.
- Repeating the cycle: Some women find themselves in relationships—romantic or platonic—that mimic what they had with their mother. Maybe they’re drawn to emotionally distant partners, or maybe they surround themselves with critical people because it feels familiar.
Can it get better? Yes, but it takes work
The good news? You don’t have to be stuck in these patterns forever. Recognizing the problem is step one, and from there, it’s all about figuring out how to break the cycle.
- Challenge that inner voice. If you grew up hearing that nothing you did was good enough, chances are that voice is still hanging around in your head. Start questioning it. Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself? Probably not.
- Set boundaries. If your relationship with your mom is still complicated, it’s okay to set limits. You don’t have to pick up every phone call or answer every text immediately. Taking care of your mental health doesn’t make you a bad daughter.
- Surround yourself with healthy relationships. If you’ve been around criticism and emotional distance your whole life, finding genuinely supportive people might feel weird at first—but stick with it. It’s worth it.
- Therapy helps. If this stuff is deep-rooted (which, let’s be honest, it usually is), talking to a therapist can make a world of difference. Sometimes, you just need someone to help sort through the emotional baggage and start rewriting the script.
Final thoughts (No, really)
Having a complicated relationship with your mom doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of emotional messiness. But ignoring it and hoping it goes away? That usually just leads to repeating the same patterns over and over. The good news is that change is possible—sometimes it just takes a little work, a little self-compassion, and maybe a chocolate bar or two along the way.