So you’re at the gym and you’re all—man I’m so over these stupid dating apps with their blurry pics of some dude posing with his fish or whatever, real life’s where it’s at, you know, like actually seeing people and not just texting “sup” into the void, and the gym’s got all these folks walking around, some of ‘em hot, and maybe you’re there half-dead on the rower sneaking looks at someone thinking—oh crap there they are again don’t drop this weight on my toe, ever get that feeling where it’s like—yeah this is kinda fun, way better than staring at the ceiling counting reps, my buddy’s always going on about this girl with the purple ponytail he swears she’s why he hasn’t quit yet, keeps him dragging his lazy butt in every Monday like clockwork.
Saw this thing somewhere—MyProtein I think, some survey popping up on my feed, maybe Insta or something, saying 85% of gym people are cool with a little flirty stuff while they’re there, which is nuts ‘cause I figured everybody’s just—earbuds in, don’t talk to me, but nope, turns out they’re open to it, still can’t just charge in like some maniac ‘cause it’s the gym, you know, people are there to lift and sweat not deal with some loudmouth screwing up their vibe, mess it up and you’re that jerk everybody’s glaring at by the smoothie bar, so how do you flirt without being a complete disaster, been wondering that ‘cause I bet you’ve got someone you’re scoping out—who is it, come on, gimme a little something.
Smiling and talking—just wing it or whatever
That survey was all—54% say smile, like a big real goofy one not some weird fake thing you’d see on a toothpaste ad, then just say something chill like “hey” or “what’s up” and boom you’re off, easiest trick ever, or you could get all sly and start chatting up their friends first like—oh your buddy’s cool what’s his story, next thing you know you’re all cracking up about some dude who slipped off the treadmill last month, happened at my gym, guy was fine but his ego wasn’t, you ever sneak in like that, my cousin totally did—started babbling with this chick’s pal about gym shoes, now they’re all tight, swapping recipes for protein pancakes or some crap, wild how that just clicks sometimes.
Gym crush—you’ve got one, don’t lie, everybody does, that hot person you keep seeing, always there same time same spot—maybe by the pull-up bar or hogging the leg press, never talked to ‘em just—there they are, makes it less of a slog huh, like—oh they showed up guess I’ll push a little harder today, my sister’s got one—dude with a scruffy beard always by the kettlebells, she’s been plotting for weeks, keeps bailing ‘cause she’s chickenshit—funny as hell, you got one too, bet you do—what’s their thing, tell me already.
Guys—don’t be some creepo
If you’re a guy just—chill out, help her maybe if she’s wrestling with that stupid chest fly machine looking like she’s gonna kick it, just go “you need help” but don’t grab it like some know-it-all jackass, ask first don’t be a tool, catch her eye too but quick—big dumb smile not some long stare like you’re about to follow her home, shows you’re into her without her thinking—oh god this guy’s gonna ruin my day, you ever try that, I did once—helped this girl with the rowing straps, she grinned back, felt like a badass ‘til I walked into the wall two steps later—smooth move, still cracks me up when I think about it.
[Read: Stealth Attraction Secrets: Subtle Techniques to Win Hearts!]
Girls—get him looking without going nuts
Girls—you’ve got it, just hang out where he can’t miss you like near his bench or whatever but not all obvious, talk to his pals about random stuff—gym bags, whatever—keep it loose and grinny not all—hey look at me I’m desperate, subtle’s the way—spark it don’t slam it, my friend Jen’s a master—she’d “stretch” by this guy’s corner yapping with his buddy about how the gym’s always out of paper towels, now they’re lifting together like it’s nothing, you got that sneaky move or you just—blank out and stand there, bet you’ve got something—what’s your play.
Chatting—don’t be a total moron
They’re looking—talk now, gym’s loud—clanging, groaning, sweat flying—not some quiet coffee date, guy or girl just say gym junk like “this playlist’s garbage” or “you into squats too” and that’s it—simple, my brother tried—“this bench smells like my dog’s bed”—she laughed so hard she dropped her phone, now they’re always by the dumbbells giggling like idiots, girls can ask him—“how’s this thing work” or “my push-up okay” and he gets all puffed up you get a chat—bam, guys ask her—“your deadlifts are killer any tips” or “what’s your stretch game” not some—oh you don’t know squat—vibe, I asked this chick if my row was off—she fixed me, we grabbed burgers after—total accident win, you ever snag one like that, gym’s packed with chances—jump on ‘em.
Don’t be a jackass—some stuff to skip
Don’t talk their ear off—short and quick ‘cause nobody’s tryna hear your whole damn day mid-set, I blabbed once—guy just stared ‘til I shut up—felt like a clown, space too—don’t crowd ‘em, gym’s their spot don’t hover like a weirdo—my ex hated that, some dude lingered she wanted to chuck her water at him, don’t cut in either—mid-lift they’re dying—wait ‘til they’re done not mid-gasp, be real—don’t flex like some fake pro ‘cause it’s lame and everybody knows, my buddy tried—piled on too much, bar crashed, everybody laughed ‘til he slunk out—still gets crap for it, you got a flop like that, bet it’s a riot—tell me sometime.
Wrap this—well, sorta
Gym flirting—nuts, messy, all over the place, show you’re into ‘em—not creepy—talk—not annoying—cool—not fake, see that crush just grin—could be your shot, maybe you’re that couple hogging the bikes soon who knows, you gonna try, who’s your gym crush—what’s up with ‘em, loud, quiet, always got a gym bag stuffed with junk, tell me—I’m nosy as hell, what’s their deal—gimme something good come on!