We all mess up sometimes—we say the wrong thing, get distracted, or totally miss a cue. That’s just being human. But when someone consistently lacks that emotional “hey, are you okay?” instinct, it starts to show. And not in a good way.
Let’s talk about the signs someone lacks empathy—what to look for, why it matters, and how it plays out in real life. No judgment, just real talk.
They’re weirdly bad at comforting people
Let’s say you’re upset. Maybe your cat died. Maybe you just had the kind of day where your coffee spilled, your boss sighed at you again, and your jeans don't fit right. You tell this person, hoping for some basic kindness. Instead, they hit you with: “Well, that’s life.”
Oof.
Someone who lacks empathy often skips right past comfort. It’s not that they’re trying to be rude—they just don’t really get how other people feel. Instead of sitting with you in the moment, they’re already moving on. Or worse, trying to fix it with logic instead of compassion. Like: “You can just get another cat.” Thanks, Steve. Super helpful.
They always make it about themselves
Ever share a story with someone and suddenly you’re listening to their way worse story? Like:
You: “I’ve been so anxious lately, I barely sleep.”
Them: “Ugh, yeah. I used to get so anxious, but mine was definitely worse. I had panic attacks every day. Have you tried not drinking coffee?”
Cool cool cool.
People who struggle with empathy often don’t mean to hijack the conversation, but they do it anyway. Because instead of tuning into how you’re feeling, they’re focused on their own stuff. Always. It’s like playing emotional hot potato—they just pass the discomfort back to you.
They’re super judgmental
One big red flag? Quick judgments. Someone who lacks empathy might hear about someone going through a tough time and immediately go full Judge Judy.
“She’s depressed? Well, she should just work out more.”
“They got fired? Probably weren’t working hard enough.”
“They’re broke? Should’ve saved better.”
Yikes.
Here’s the thing: empathy gives us the ability to imagine what someone else might be dealing with. Without it, people tend to simplify things. No nuance. No curiosity. Just snap judgments based on their own experiences—and often, a weird need to feel superior.
They don’t read the room (like, at all)
Picture this: someone’s crying quietly in a corner at a party. Everyone else is awkwardly pretending not to notice. And then there’s that one person who walks over and says, “Why are you being so dramatic?”
Yeah. That guy.
When someone lacks empathy, they miss the vibe completely. Emotional cues go right over their head. They might laugh when something’s clearly serious or push a joke too far without noticing everyone’s face go blank. It’s like they’re emotionally tone-deaf.
And in relationships—whether romantic, family, or work—it shows up a lot. They interrupt you mid-sentence, dismiss your worries, or forget that you even had that big thing today. Because they’re just not tuned in to other people’s emotional stations.
They suck at saying sorry (and really meaning it)
Apologies are a wild ride with empathy-challenged folks. Either they don’t say sorry at all, or they drop the classic non-apology: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Oh, cool. So you’re sorry I exist?
Empathy is what helps us see that our actions impact others. When that’s missing, people might not even notice they hurt someone. Or they’ll get defensive instead of listening. Like: “I didn’t mean it like that, so you shouldn’t be upset.”
But that’s not how feelings work, pal. Empathy says, “Even if I didn’t mean to, I see how it affected you. And I care.”
They struggle with emotional intimacy
If you’ve ever felt like you’re emotionally yelling into a void, you might be dealing with someone who lacks empathy. These are the folks who never really let you in. You can spill your guts and all you get is a blank stare—or worse, they change the subject to something random like how gas prices are creeping up again.
They might shy away from real conversations. Or seem weirdly robotic during emotional moments. Not because they’re heartless. But because that “connection” thing doesn’t come naturally to them.
They don’t change their behavior—even when you ask
Let’s say you tell them, “Hey, when you say that in front of people, it really embarrasses me.” A normal, empathetic person might say, “Oh shoot, sorry—I won’t do it again.”
But this person? They keep doing it. Over and over.
People who lack empathy often don’t adjust based on your feelings, because your feelings don’t really register as important to them. They might even accuse you of being “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” Which is just a fancy way of saying, “I don’t feel what you feel, so your feelings don’t matter to me.”
So why does this matter?
Look, nobody’s perfect. And empathy isn’t always easy, especially when we’re stressed or distracted. But chronic lack of empathy? That can seriously mess with relationships.Studies have shown that empathy plays a huge role in long-term connection, trust, and even conflict resolution. According to research from the University of Michigan, people with higher empathy levels tend to have better social bonds and handle stress in relationships more effectively.
Basically, empathy isn’t just about being nice—it’s about being human. And when it’s missing, things can get real lonely, real fast.
So next time you feel that weird emotional disconnect with someone, it might not be you. You might just be running into one of the biggest signs someone lacks empathy. And once you see it? You can stop expecting deep connection from someone who’s just not built that way.
And maybe go talk to someone who does get it. Preferably over tacos. Or chocolate. Or both.