Ok so look. i wasn’t planning on feeling anything this week. like i was just chilling, minding my own business, eating stale cereal and being normal. and then boom. someone had to exist near me in a very specific way and now i’m overthinking eye contact. amazing. 10/10 would lose sanity again. ????
First of all. who gave him permission to laugh like that. and why did my stupid brain decide it liked that sound?? i’ve heard people laugh before. this wasn’t new. but this one hit different. like some little part of me sat up like “hey?? hello??? is this something??” and i wanted to be like shut up brain but it was too late. too far gone.
And it’s not even that we talk about anything important. literally we talked about pens. pens. and i still think about how he said “i like this one” and then clicked it and smiled and i was like ok guess i’ll die
Also the way he stands. it’s not hot or anything. he slouches and wears these godawful sneakers that look like he borrowed them from a high school gym coach. but for some reason i find it?? endearing?? what’s wrong with me
Idk it’s not just the talking either. it’s like the pauses too. like sometimes we’ll stop mid-convo and it’s just silent but not weird silent. it’s like a nice little bubble where nothing is happening but i feel weirdly safe in it?? not even exaggerating i literally spaced out just staring at his hand holding a coffee cup. WHO DOES THAT
Also the thing is, i don’t even know if he feels it too. maybe i’m just losing it. maybe i’m projecting. maybe i’m so bored that my brain is writing fanfiction in real time. like cool thanks imagination love that for me
But ok. also. there was this moment. it was tiny. like. blink and you miss it. but i said something dumb (as usual) and he looked at me like i was actually funny?? like truly amused?? and he did this little nose scrunch laugh and idk. idk. i felt like someone handed me an award or something. that’s how dumb i am
And after that i kept thinking about how close he was standing. not like too close. just… enough. and i didn’t wanna move away. and that’s when i was like “oh no. you’ve caught feelings. idiot”
My friend says “chemistry is when your body notices someone before your brain does.” and i think that’s real?? like my heart knew before my mouth could even form words. which is gross and poetic and i hate that it’s true
The worst part?? i dreamt about him. like. brain. pls. leave me alone. we were just walking and talking and laughing and he touched my elbow in that dream and i felt it in the dream and woke up smiling like a clown. unacceptable behavior
Ugh and now everything reminds me of him. like today someone said the word “library” and i remembered how he once said he hated the smell of old books and now i can’t walk past a library without being like “haha remember that weirdly specific opinion he had?” get help.
And look i know this sounds dumb. maybe it is. maybe it’s just hormones or wishful thinking or my brain being dramatic. but also… what if it’s real? like what if that thing — that spark — what if that’s the start of something and not just a passing glitch?
But also like. what do you even do with that?? you can’t be like “hey so i think we might have weird brain electricity when we talk wanna unpack that” like no. you just sit there and suffer and overanalyze how they said “see you later” and if that meant anything or nothing or maybe too much
Anyway. the point is. i feel stupid. but also like kind of alive? and that’s the weirdest part. like it sucks but it’s also kinda magical in a trash fire way
So yeah. Chemistry. it’s not convenient. it doesn’t ask permission. it shows up with its little butterfly army and camps out in your stomach and refuses to leave
and maybe nothing will happen. maybe it’s just a blip. a crush. a passing thing.
But damn if it didn’t feel like lightning for five minutes in a break room over a conversation about staplers
and maybe that’s enough
or maybe it’s just the beginning. Lol who knows. Brains are stupid. Feelings are stupid. I need to lie down