I wish someone had sat me down freshman year and given me the real talk about dating in college. Not the sanitized version from orientation week, but the actual truth about what it's like to date when you're basically an adult but also kind of not really.
Figure yourself out first (seriously)
Here's something nobody tells you: you can't really date successfully if you don't know who you are. I know, I know – it sounds like something your mom would say. But she's right on this one.
College is probably the first time you get to make your own choices about everything – what to eat, when to sleep, who to hang out with. It's also when you start figuring out what you actually want in a relationship, not what you think you should want.
Dr. Sarah Chen, a relationship psychologist at Stanford University, puts it perfectly: "The students I see who struggle most with dating are the ones who haven't taken time to develop their own identity. They're so focused on finding someone that they forget to become someone worth finding."
Before you start swiping or asking people out, spend some time thinking about what you actually value. Are you looking for someone to have fun with, or are you hoping for something serious? Do you want someone who shares your religious beliefs, or is that not important to you? What are your deal-breakers?
A recent survey by the American College Health Association found that 64% of college students reported feeling "overwhelmed" by their romantic relationships. Part of this might be because they jumped into dating without really knowing what they wanted.
The college dating scene is complicated
Let's talk about hookup culture for a second. It's everywhere on campus, but here's the thing – you don't have to participate if you don't want to. Despite what movies and social media might suggest, not everyone is hooking up constantly.
According to research from the Kinsey Institute, only about 40% of college students have casual sex regularly. That means 60% are either in relationships, not dating at all, or only hooking up occasionally. So if casual sex isn't your thing, you're definitely not alone.
The problem is that hookup culture can make it harder to find people who want actual relationships. Sometimes you'll think you're on the same page with someone, only to find out they were just looking for something casual. Or the opposite – you want to keep things light, but they're already planning your future together.
Social media makes everything more complicated too. You're constantly seeing highlight reels of other people's relationships, which can make you feel like you're missing out or not doing things "right." Plus, there's all this pressure to make your own relationship look perfect online.
Safety isn't just about stranger danger
When adults talk about dating safety, they usually focus on meeting people you don't know. But in college, most of your dates will probably be with people you've met through friends or classes. That doesn't mean you can skip the safety precautions though.
Always tell someone where you're going and who you're with. I can't tell you how many times my friends and I would text each other our locations before dates. It might seem paranoid, but it's really just smart.
Sexual health is part of safety too. Get tested regularly, use protection, and don't be afraid to ask potential partners about their sexual health history. It's not awkward – it's responsible.
And here's something that doesn't get talked about enough: emotional safety. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, pressures you to do things you're not comfortable with, or gets angry when you set boundaries, that's not normal relationship stuff. That's a red flag.
Communication is everything (and it's harder than it sounds)
The "what are we" conversation is probably the most dreaded part of college dating. But avoiding it usually makes things worse, not better.
I learned this the hard way sophomore year. I was seeing this guy for like two months, and I had no idea if we were exclusive or not. Instead of just asking, I spent weeks analyzing every interaction and driving my friends crazy with speculation. When I finally brought it up, he was like "oh, I thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend already." We could have saved so much confusion with one conversation.
Dr. John Gottman, who's basically the king of relationship research, says that successful couples talk about their relationship regularly. This includes everything from boundaries to future plans to what you're comfortable with physically.
Don't assume you're on the same page about anything. Some people think going on three dates means you're exclusive. Others think you can date multiple people until you explicitly agree to be monogamous. There's no universal rule, so you have to create your own.
Expand your social circle (but not just for dating)
Most college students meet potential dates through friends, classes, or parties. But if you're only hanging out with the same group of people, you're limiting your options.
Join clubs that actually interest you, not just ones where you think you'll meet someone cute. Take random electives. Go to campus events. Volunteer for causes you care about. The goal isn't necessarily to find a date – it's to become a more interesting person and meet people who share your values.
One of my friends met her now-husband in a pottery class she took as an elective. Neither of them expected to find love while learning to use a pottery wheel, but they bonded over their terrible clay bowls and their shared love of indie music.
Don't date your roommate's best friend (and other proximity warnings)
This is advice I wish I'd gotten freshman year: be careful about dating people who are too close to your daily life. Your roommate's best friend might seem like a great idea until you break up and suddenly your living situation is weird. Same goes for people in your friend group, your resident advisor, or anyone you have to see regularly.
I'm not saying it never works out – sometimes it does. But think carefully about whether you're prepared for the potential awkwardness if things don't work out.
Greek life presents similar challenges. Dating within your sorority or fraternity can get messy fast. Everyone knows everyone's business, and breakups can create drama that affects the whole organization.
Learn to be alone (it's actually great)
College is one of the few times in your life when being single is actually really convenient. You can study abroad without worrying about maintaining a long-distance relationship. You can take that unpaid internship in another city. You can stay up all night working on a project without having to explain yourself to anyone.
Being comfortable being alone also makes you a better partner when you do start dating someone. You won't be desperate for any relationship just to avoid being single, and you'll be able to maintain your own interests and friendships.
A study from the University of California found that people who spent time being single in college reported higher levels of self-confidence and life satisfaction later on. They were also more likely to have successful long-term relationships.
Handle rejection like a grown-up
Rejection sucks. There's no way around it. But learning to handle it gracefully is a crucial life skill that extends way beyond dating.
If someone doesn't want to go out with you, that's not a personal attack on your character. It just means you're not compatible, and that's actually a good thing to find out early. Would you really want to date someone who wasn't excited about you?
Don't take it personally, don't argue with them about it, and definitely don't keep trying to convince them to change their mind. Just say something like "thanks for being honest" and move on.
The breakup survival guide
College breakups hit different because you usually have to keep seeing the person around campus. You might have mutual friends, shared classes, or just run into them at the dining hall.
Dr. Rachel Sussman, a therapist who specializes in relationships, recommends what she calls the "no contact rule" immediately after a breakup. This means no texting, no social media stalking, no "just being friends" right away. You need time to get over the relationship before you can have a healthy friendship.
Give yourself permission to be sad. Eat ice cream, listen to depressing music, vent to your friends. But don't let it consume your entire life. Set a limit – maybe you allow yourself to wallow for a week, but then you have to start moving forward.
Don't ignore the red flags
When you're excited about someone new, it's easy to overlook warning signs. But those red flags are there for a reason.
If someone gets angry when you hang out with friends, that's not romantic jealousy – that's controlling behavior. If they pressure you to do things you're not comfortable with, that's not passion – that's disrespect. If they make you feel bad about yourself or constantly criticize you, that's not helping you improve – that's emotional abuse.
Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Don't ignore that feeling just because you really want the relationship to work.
Money matters (more than you think)
Nobody really talks about the financial side of college dating, but it's important. You're probably all broke, so don't feel pressured to spend money you don't have on dates.
Some of the best college dates are free or cheap – hiking, studying together, campus events, cooking dinner in the dorm kitchen. Save the expensive dinner dates for special occasions.
Also, figure out early who's paying for what. Some people expect to split everything, others prefer to take turns paying, and some still expect one person to pay for everything. There's no right answer, but you should both be on the same page.
Long-distance relationships and high school boyfriends
Should you try to maintain your high school relationship in college? Honestly, probably not. I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out.
You're both going to change a lot during college. The person you were in high school isn't the person you'll be as a college senior. Sometimes couples grow together, but more often they grow apart.
Plus, maintaining a long-distance relationship takes a lot of time and energy that you might want to spend on other things – making new friends, joining clubs, focusing on your studies.
If you do decide to try long-distance, be realistic about what it requires. You'll need to communicate constantly, visit each other regularly, and probably spend a lot of money on phone bills and travel.
Social media and dating
Instagram and Snapchat can make dating more complicated than it needs to be. You're constantly seeing what your ex is up to, wondering why your current crush liked someone else's photo, or feeling pressure to post the perfect couple selfie.
Set boundaries around social media. Maybe you don't post about relationships until they're serious. Maybe you don't follow your exes. Maybe you have a rule about not checking your partner's social media activity.
Also, remember that social media isn't real life. That couple that looks perfect on Instagram might be fighting constantly in private. Don't compare your real relationship to someone else's highlight reel.
Learn from your mistakes
Every relationship – whether it lasts two weeks or two years – teaches you something. Maybe you learned that you need someone who shares your sense of humor. Maybe you discovered that you're not actually ready for a serious relationship. Maybe you figured out that you need to work on your communication skills.
Don't waste those lessons by making the same mistakes over and over. If you have a pattern of dating people who aren't good for you, spend some time figuring out why. If you keep having the same fights in every relationship, maybe the problem isn't your partners – maybe it's you.
The mental health piece
Dating can be really stressful, especially when you're already dealing with all the other pressures of college. If you're struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, make sure you're taking care of yourself first.
Most colleges have counseling services available to students. Use them. Individual therapy can help you work through relationship patterns, build self-esteem, and develop better communication skills.
Don't use dating as a way to avoid dealing with your own issues. A romantic relationship can't fix low self-esteem, depression, or anxiety. In fact, it might make these problems worse.
Different types of relationships, different rules
Not everyone wants the same thing from dating. Some people are looking for their future spouse, others just want to have fun, and some are somewhere in between. All of these approaches are valid, but they require different strategies.
If you're looking for something serious, you might want to date more intentionally. Think about what qualities matter to you in a long-term partner, and don't waste time on people who don't share your values or goals.
If you're just looking to have fun, be upfront about that. Don't lead people on or let them think you want something more serious than you do.
The diversity factor
College is probably the most diverse environment you'll ever be in. You'll meet people from different backgrounds, cultures, religions, and socioeconomic levels. This is a great opportunity to expand your worldview and maybe find someone who challenges you in good ways.
But dating across differences can be complicated. You might have to deal with family disapproval, cultural misunderstandings, or different expectations about relationships. These challenges aren't insurmountable, but they're worth thinking about.
Greek life and dating
If you're involved in Greek life, dating can get extra complicated. There are often unwritten rules about who you can date, social pressures, and drama that can affect your entire organization.
Some sororities and fraternities have rules about dating members of certain other organizations. Some have expectations about bringing dates to formal events. Some create so much drama around relationships that it affects the whole house.
Think about whether you're prepared for your dating life to be everyone's business. In some Greek organizations, your relationship status is basically public knowledge.
Study abroad and dating
If you're planning to study abroad, think about how that might affect your dating life. Some people take a semester abroad as an opportunity to be single and focus on the experience. Others try to maintain relationships back home.
Long-distance relationships are hard enough when you're in the same time zone. When you add a 6-hour time difference and limited wifi, it becomes even more challenging.
On the other hand, some people meet amazing people while studying abroad. Just remember that a romance that works in Rome might not work back on campus.
The future conversation
At some point, you might need to talk about what happens after graduation. Are you both planning to stay in the same city? Do you want similar things from life? Are you both thinking about graduate school?
These conversations can be scary, but they're important if you're in a serious relationship. Don't assume you're on the same page about the future just because you're happy together now.
Building healthy habits
College is when you start developing the relationship habits you'll probably carry into adulthood. This is your chance to learn how to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and treat partners with respect.
Some habits to work on:
- Saying what you mean instead of expecting people to read your mind
- Apologizing when you mess up (and actually changing your behavior)
- Supporting your partner's goals and interests
- Maintaining your own friendships and hobbies
- Dealing with conflict constructively instead of avoiding it
The friend zone isn't a punishment
Let's talk about the friend zone for a second. It's not a consolation prize or a punishment – it's just what happens when two people want different things from each other.
If someone wants to be friends with you but doesn't want to date you, that's not them being cruel. That's them being honest about their feelings. You can choose to be friends with them or not, but don't hang around hoping they'll change their mind.
Dating apps and college
Dating apps are everywhere now, and they can be useful for meeting people outside your usual social circle. But they can also be overwhelming and superficial.
If you use dating apps, be honest about what you're looking for. Don't say you want a relationship if you're just looking to hook up, and don't pretend you're interested in casual dating if you're actually looking for something serious.
Also, remember that online dating can be brutal for your self-esteem. If you find yourself constantly checking apps or feeling bad about yourself after using them, it might be time to take a break.
Senior year and beyond
As you get closer to graduation, dating can become more complicated. You might be thinking about serious relationships differently, or you might be too focused on job searches and grad school applications to date at all.
Some people meet their future spouse senior year. Others graduate single and are perfectly happy about it. Both paths are normal.
Don't feel pressured to find "the one" before you graduate. Your early twenties are a great time to figure out who you are and what you want from life. You don't need to have everything figured out by the time you walk across the stage.
The bottom line
College dating is messy and complicated and sometimes really fun. You're going to make mistakes, get your heart broken, and probably break a few hearts yourself. That's all part of the learning process.The most important thing is to be kind – to yourself and to others. Don't play games, don't lead people on, and don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you well.
Remember that dating is supposed to be fun. If it's consistently making you miserable, take a step back and figure out what needs to change. Maybe you need to work on yourself first. Maybe you need to change your approach. Maybe you just need to take a break.
And don't forget – being single in college is actually pretty great. You have the freedom to focus on your studies, make new friends, and figure out who you are without having to consider someone else's opinions or needs.
Whether you graduate with a ring on your finger or a list of dating disasters, you'll have learned something valuable about yourself and relationships. Those lessons will serve you well in whatever comes next.
College is just four years, but the relationship skills you develop there will last a lifetime. Make them count.