Turns out, there’s a pretty strong link between how we grew up watching our parents relate to each other and how we show up in our own relationships. In other words, how parents relationship affects child goes way deeper than we might think.
This isn’t just fluff. Science backs it up. Research from the Journal of Family Psychology has found that children who witnessed healthy communication and emotional support between parents tend to build stronger, more stable relationships themselves. On the flip side, those who grew up with yelling, silent treatments, or passive-aggressive fridge notes (classic) often end up repeating those same habits. Or, just as often, they go out of their way to avoid them—sometimes so much that it causes problems in new and exciting ways.
Let’s take a closer look.
We learn love before we know the word
Before we could spell “romantic,” let alone understand it, we were little sponges soaking up everything. Whether our parents were affectionate, distant, always fighting, or seemed more like roommates than partners—it all got stored in our brains like emotional data.
If your parents hugged a lot, talked things through calmly, and laughed together, you probably grew up thinking that’s just how couples do things. But if their version of “talking things through” looked more like World War III with slammed doors and tears—well, that kind of sticks with you, too.
And let’s not even get started on silent dinners where the only thing louder than the chewing was the tension in the air. You learn early on that love can feel... tense. Or dramatic. Or conditional. Or like something you have to work really hard for.
The repeating patterns are sneaky
Here’s the kicker: even if we know our parents’ relationship wasn’t great, we still might end up copying it without realizing it. It’s like our brains go, “Oh, this is familiar. Let’s do that again.”
So if you find yourself dating someone emotionally unavailable over and over again, or constantly feeling like you have to “fix” your partner, there might be a reason. Maybe you watched one parent take on the emotional weight of the relationship while the other tuned out. Maybe you saw a lot of love—but only when someone messed up and had to earn forgiveness.
It doesn’t always have to be dramatic, though. Even subtle stuff, like how your parents handled stress or how much affection they showed, can shape your view of love. Some people grow up thinking it’s normal to never say “I love you” out loud. Others think if you’re not fighting, you’re not passionate. (Spoiler: that one’s not true, even if it does make for spicy movie scenes.)
Good news: patterns can change
Here’s where it gets a little less depressing: just because you grew up with one kind of relationship model doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it forever. Our early experiences shape us, yes, but they don’t seal our fate in concrete.
The first step is noticing. Like, “Oh hey, I shut down during arguments just like my dad did,” or “Wow, I freak out if my partner needs space, kind of like my mom used to.” That kind of awareness is golden.
From there, you can start making new choices. It might take some effort (and maybe a therapist, journal, or tub of chocolate ice cream—because self-care, obviously), but it’s doable. And let’s be honest, a lot of us are learning this stuff for the first time as we’re dating or already in long-term relationships. No shame in that. We’re all figuring it out.
Some examples that hit close to home
A friend of mine—let’s call her “L”—grew up in a home where emotions were kind of... optional. Her parents weren’t mean, just emotionally distant. Hugs? Rare. Deep talks? Basically nonexistent.
So now, every time her boyfriend asks how she’s feeling, she freezes up like he just asked her to recite the national anthem in front of Congress. She’s working on it, slowly, but it’s been a journey. Because when your model of love is “don’t rock the boat,” even healthy communication can feel like a tsunami.
Then there’s “J,” whose parents had an explosive, on-again-off-again relationship full of yelling and dramatic breakups. Guess what? J is now dating someone equally dramatic, and it’s exhausting. He says it “feels like love” because it’s what he’s used to—but deep down, he knows it’s not sustainable.
What can we do about it?
Start by being real with yourself. Ask questions like:
- What kind of relationship did my parents have?
- What did I learn about love from them—directly or indirectly?
- Are there patterns I keep falling into that remind me of their dynamic?
You don’t have to figure it all out overnight. Honestly, just talking about this stuff helps. With your partner, with friends, or with someone who’s been through it.
And if your parents had a great relationship? Awesome. Take the best parts and make them your own. If they didn’t, take what not to do and build something better.
Because in the end, love isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being aware. About trying. And maybe laughing at yourself when you realize you’ve just had a fight about who left the cap off the toothpaste—again.
Just remember, your parents’ relationship might’ve been your first blueprint. But you get to design your own version now. One that makes sense for you—and maybe doesn’t involve as many slammed doors.Want to talk more about what you've noticed in your own patterns?