And eventually, the question hits you: Why do I attract narcissists?
You’re not alone. A surprising number of people keep ending up in toxic relationships and don’t realize what’s happening until things get messy. And no, it's not because you’re doing something “wrong” or because you secretly have a magnet in your soul that only picks up emotionally unavailable people. But there are a few things worth talking about when it comes to why narcissists keep popping up like unwanted ads in your love life (or even in your friend circle or at work).
Let’s get into it—and don’t worry, there are no crystal balls or weird energy cleanses involved.
Narcissists are drawn to people who care (a lot)
Narcissists thrive on attention. They want to be admired, praised, and seen as special. So who do they naturally gravitate toward? Empathetic, giving people. Basically, folks who see the best in others and want to help. If that’s you, it’s not a flaw—it’s actually a strength—but it can make you a prime target for someone who wants to take more than they give.
If you grew up learning to keep the peace, fix problems, or put other people’s needs first, you might not even notice when a relationship becomes one-sided. You just think, They’re having a hard time. I can help. And boom—you’re hooked. Meanwhile, they’re busy soaking up the attention and dodging any accountability like it’s dodgeball in middle school.
The “too nice” effect is real
You’d think being nice is always a good thing—and usually, it is. But narcissists see “nice” as an opportunity. The kind of people who ask, Why do I attract narcissists? are often the ones who have a hard time saying no. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. You give second chances like Oprah gives away cars. And if someone crosses a line, you might hesitate to call them out, especially if they turn on the charm or hit you with a guilt trip.
That kind of tolerance becomes the perfect playground for someone who pushes boundaries on the regular.
Your self-esteem might play a bigger role than you think
This one stings a little, but stay with me. If your self-worth isn’t rock solid, you might be more likely to put up with bad behavior because deep down, part of you believes that’s just how relationships go. Maybe you’ve been told you expect too much. Maybe you’ve dated a few people who made you feel like you were the problem. After a while, it starts to wear on you.
Narcissists are great at sensing insecurity. They’ll shower you with compliments at first, then slowly chip away at your confidence until you feel like you need them. It’s manipulative, but it’s not always obvious when it’s happening—especially if you're used to second-guessing yourself.
They’re charming for a reason
Let’s be real: narcissists are good at first impressions. They often seem smart, charismatic, even generous. They know how to make you feel special, which is kind of ironic given how little they actually care about other people’s feelings. But that initial magic? It’s part of the script.
They mirror your interests, text you constantly, praise you like you're the star of your own show. It’s intoxicating. And it’s meant to be. Psychologists call this love bombing—an early phase of intense attention designed to hook you. And guess what? Anyone can fall for it, especially if you’re not on the lookout for the red flags waving right in front of your face like it’s a parade.
Okay, so now what?
Let’s say you’ve had your fair share of narcissists and you're tired. Tired of the drama, tired of doubting yourself, and definitely tired of hearing “It’s not me, it’s you” from someone who never remembers your birthday. What now?
First, get real about your boundaries. If someone makes you feel like your feelings don’t matter, or if you constantly feel like you’re auditioning for their approval, that’s not normal. Start small—say no to things you don’t want to do, speak up when something feels off, and pay attention to how people react when you stand your ground.
Second, work on your self-esteem like it’s your full-time job. And yes, that might mean journaling, therapy, or just surrounding yourself with people who remind you you’re not crazy. It might even mean chocolate. (Hey, whatever works.)
And finally, trust your gut. Seriously. That uneasy feeling you get when someone says all the right things but something still feels off? That’s your intuition waving a flag and yelling “Hey! This feels familiar!” Don’t ignore it.
It’s not your fault, but you can do something about it
The question Why do I attract narcissists? can feel like a life sentence, but it’s not. It’s more like a signal—one that says it’s time to start choosing different kinds of people. The kind who listen when you talk. The kind who say sorry and actually mean it. The kind who don’t make you feel like love is something you have to earn.At the end of the day, attracting narcissists isn’t about being broken—it’s about learning how to stop making room for people who only take. And once you stop letting those folks set up camp in your life, something kind of amazing happens: the good ones finally have a chance to find you.
So here's to fewer narcissists, better boundaries, and maybe—just maybe—a little peace and quiet for once.