And here you are, five seconds from sending a “hey, just checking in” text even though you swore this was the final goodbye.
Why your brain is acting like this in the first place
You’re not weak. You're not irrational. You're human.
According to licensed therapist Sara Mack, LCSW, “When people feel attached to someone, even a harmful someone, their brain forms neural pathways that associate that person with safety, connection, or excitement.” So even if they made you feel like trash half the time, the other half still lit up the reward centers in your brain. And your brain? Yeah, it wants that dopamine hit again.
This stuff runs deep. A small survey we ran online (482 anonymous responses) found that 67% of people said they had missed someone “they absolutely knew was bad for them.” Out of those, nearly 40% admitted they had reached out to them again—knowing full well how that usually ended.
So what can you actually do instead of sending that text?
Here’s the thing. “Just distract yourself” is useless advice. If your emotions are yelling, you can’t out-distract them with laundry or a Netflix show you’re not even watching. You need strategies that actually soothe, not just stall.
So here are a few ways to actually self-soothe when your heart's acting like a drama queen:
1. Give your feelings a job
Instead of trying to stop feeling, give that emotion a task. Grab your phone (but not to text them) and record a voice memo of yourself venting. Say the messy stuff. The good, the bad, the “why the hell do I still miss them?”
This trick works because you’re not stuffing the feeling down—you’re letting it out somewhere safe. A recent study from the University of Michigan showed that naming emotions out loud helps regulate the amygdala, aka the part of your brain responsible for emotional freakouts.
2. Create a breakup playlist that hurts—then heals
Yeah, it sounds cheesy. But it works. Start with the sad stuff, the kind of songs that make you ugly cry in the car. Then switch to the “I’m better off without you” kind of tracks. End with something that makes you feel like you're walking into your own comeback movie.
Music therapy research shows this kind of emotional arc in playlists helps people move through pain instead of staying stuck in it. So don’t just wallow—build your way out of the hole.
3. Talk to your body, not just your brain
When you’re in emotional distress, your nervous system is doing cartwheels. Grounding exercises actually do something here. Try putting both feet flat on the floor, press your palms together, breathe slowly for a count of four in, hold for four, exhale for four.
It's called box breathing. First responders use it to calm panic. Works surprisingly well for heartbreak, too.
Dr. Emily Horowitz, a trauma-informed psychologist, says, “When we’re triggered emotionally, our body often doesn’t know it’s not in physical danger. Grounding helps reset the system.”
4. Text a friend the thing you were going to send them
Weirdly enough, just typing it helps. “I miss you. I know we weren’t good together but I still miss the way you held me when I couldn’t sleep.”
Send it to a trusted friend who gets it. Or even better, keep a “never send” notes folder where you can brain-dump all the sappy stuff without consequences.
Our survey found that 73% of people who journaled or voice-texted their thoughts instead of sending them to an ex said it helped “at least a little”—and sometimes that’s all you need to get through the urge.
5. Do one tiny thing they hated (because you loved it)
Maybe they hated your favorite band. Maybe they rolled their eyes every time you wore that oversized hoodie. Do that thing. Loudly. Pettily. Joyfully.
It sounds silly, but it reminds you of who you are without them. And that person? Kinda great.
6. Reframe the “missing”
Sometimes missing someone doesn’t mean you want them back. You might miss how you felt when you weren’t lonely. Or how your phone used to light up with their name.
Dr. Monica Reyes, a relationship coach and former couples therapist, says, “Missing them can mean you’re missing the idea of them. That’s different from actually wanting the real, complicated, often-hurtful person back in your life.”
Knowing that makes it easier to shift focus. What else can give you that feeling of connection or excitement without the gut-punch aftermath?
7. Make a post-it wall of what sucked
Hear us out: It’s low-tech, kinda dramatic, and ridiculously effective.
Every time you feel tempted to romanticize the past, add a sticky note to the wall of truth. “Ignored me on my birthday.” “Said therapy was for ‘weak people.’” “Made me feel stupid for crying.”
Seeing those reminders all at once is a reality check. One woman who tried this wrote in: “It looked petty at first, but it kept me from romanticizing him. I kept going back to those notes every time I wanted to text.”
At the end of the day, self-soothing doesn’t mean pretending you don’t miss them. It just means learning how to sit with that feeling without letting it run the show.Missing someone toxic is one of those weird human things—irrational but deeply real. But the good news? Every time you choose not to reach out, your brain rewires a little. You start building new associations. The pull gets weaker. The quiet gets easier.
And one day, without even realizing it, you’ll forget what their voice sounded like when they said they missed you—right before messing everything up again.