But there’s one small—okay, actually very big—thing. He’s gay.
And now you’re stuck between what your heart feels and what reality is gently, but very clearly, trying to tell you.
It’s not just you
If this sounds familiar, you're definitely not the only one. There’s even research on this. A study from the Journal of GLBT Family Studies showed that these friendships—where a straight woman develops romantic feelings for a gay man—are surprisingly common. They often form deep emotional bonds, which makes sense because both people feel safe and seen.
But here's the kicker: even though there’s affection and connection, the romance is a one-way street. And that can really hurt.
Why it happens
You’re not weird for falling for him. There are reasons it happens.
Gay men can feel emotionally safer than straight men. You don’t feel like you’re in competition, you’re not constantly analyzing texts for hidden meaning, and you don’t have to worry about getting ghosted after being vulnerable. That kind of trust and openness is rare in dating—and when you find it, it’s tempting to label it as romantic love.
Sometimes, it’s also about timing. Maybe you’re feeling especially lonely or disillusioned with dating. Suddenly, this kind, funny, affectionate man shows up and treats you the way you wish other guys did. Of course you start catching feelings. You're human.
But it still stings
Even if your brain gets it—“He’s gay. He can’t love me like that”—your heart might still be dragging its feet. It can feel frustrating, embarrassing, or downright painful.
You might start thinking things like:
- If I were just different...
- What if it’s just a phase for him?
- He’s never been with a woman—maybe I’m the exception?
Stop. Deep breath.
This isn’t about not being “enough.” It’s not a puzzle you can solve. He’s not confused or waiting to be convinced. His sexuality isn’t up for negotiation.
You don’t have to pretend you’re fine
A lot of people will say, “Just be friends! Get over it!” And yeah, maybe you will. But it’s okay if it’s not instant. It’s okay if it feels messy.
One of the worst parts is the shame. Like, how did you end up here? Why are you crying about someone who literally cannot be with you?
But feelings don’t follow logic. You’re not dumb or delusional. You’re someone who caught feelings for a person who made you feel safe and special. That’s actually kind of sweet, even if it hurts right now.
So what now?
Here’s what helps—based on actual stories and a little trial-and-error from people who’ve been through it.
- Acknowledge the feelings, don’t shame them.
You don’t have to suppress or ignore how you feel. Admit it to yourself. Maybe even say it out loud to a friend or journal it. Naming it helps. - Give yourself some space if needed.
If seeing him all the time is making it worse, take a step back. Not forever, just enough to let your heart catch up with your head. - Focus on what’s real, not what could be.
It’s easy to get lost in fantasies. But that’s not where real life happens. You deserve a relationship that’s mutual—not something you have to twist yourself into knots hoping for. - Turn toward people who can return your feelings.
This doesn’t mean jumping into dating right away, but remind yourself that romantic love exists out there—and it won’t require rewriting someone’s identity to get it. - Keep the friendship if it feels right—eventually.
A lot of these friendships do survive, and even thrive, once the feelings cool off. But only if it's healthy for you. If it’s always painful, it’s okay to let it go too.
What this teaches you
This experience—while definitely a heartache—can actually show you what you're really looking for. That emotional connection? That feeling of being truly heard? That should be your new bar. Don’t settle for guys who barely look up from their phones during dinner. You deserve someone who gets you and wants to build something romantic with you.
It’s not about changing anyone. It’s about changing what you expect from love—and realizing you’re allowed to want it all.
And hey, while we’re at it—can we stop acting like love is this perfectly logical thing?
Sometimes it gets weird. Sometimes you fall for someone who can’t love you back. Sometimes you cry into a pillow while watching The Notebook and eating way too much takeout. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re a person.A kind, loving, hopeful person who’s still figuring it all out—just like the rest of us.
And the right person? They’re out there. They won’t just laugh at your jokes and notice your new haircut. They’ll want to kiss you too.
Until then, maybe go easy on yourself. And yeah, grab the chocolate. It's self-care.