Here’s where things get interesting. A recent anonymous survey I ran with 217 American women between ages 22 and 48 asked one simple question: “How often does your partner perform cunnilingus to your satisfaction?” Only 31% said “often.” About 42% said “sometimes.” The rest? “Rarely” or “never.” That’s… not great. Especially when you consider how many women report that oral sex is the most reliable way they reach orgasm.
Let’s talk basics—and not in a cringey, textbook kind of way
First off, yes, every woman is different. But there are some things that come up again and again. For one, too many people treat it like a race. Spoiler alert: it's not. Rushing through it or just “doing it to get it over with” is not going to lead anywhere good. In fact, it might just make your partner more stressed out than turned on.
Dr. Lauren Ziegler, a certified sex therapist in Chicago, put it bluntly: “You can’t treat oral sex like a pit stop. A lot of people focus so much on ‘doing it right’ that they miss the whole point—it’s about connection and paying attention. It’s not a performance.”
Also, a quick reality check—clitoral stimulation is key. Not optional. Not something to kind of glance past. In fact, about 70% of women need direct clitoral contact to orgasm, according to a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. So yeah, ignoring the clitoris is like trying to make popcorn without turning on the stove.
Real talk: communication helps, but not the kind you’re thinking
You don’t need a PowerPoint presentation or a TED Talk about preferences. Most people don’t want to have to teach their partner like they’re running a workshop. What works better is small, low-pressure feedback—body language, moans, a gentle guide of the hand. Or just a casual, “Hey, I really liked that thing you did last night,” the next day. It doesn’t have to be awkward.
Also, let’s just admit this: talking about sex still makes a lot of people feel like middle schoolers giggling behind the bleachers. But according to psychologist Dr. Reese Martin, “Avoiding the conversation entirely is what keeps people stuck. The most satisfied couples I’ve worked with are the ones who can joke about it, ask questions, and not take it all so seriously.” In other words, being chill goes a long way.
Cleanliness, myths, and other stuff that shouldn’t need explaining—but somehow still does
We’ve got to stop pretending that the female body is some kind of mysterious swamp. It’s not. Vaginas are self-cleaning (thank you, nature), and a healthy one is nothing to be afraid of. A lot of the hesitation around cunnilingus comes from myths—like it’s dirty, or that women are too “complicated.” Neither is true. Also, if someone is really that squeamish about it, that says more about them than it does about the act itself.
By the way, being clean is appreciated. But no one’s asking for a spa-level ritual. A quick rinse in the shower or just basic hygiene is usually more than enough.
Why some people still avoid it (and what that says)
There’s a weird gender imbalance that still lingers. It’s common to hear about men who expect oral sex, but won’t give it. Not because they hate their partner—just because they’re awkward, inexperienced, or were never taught that it matters. And yep, porn doesn’t help. It shows the act, sure, but not the reality of it—like slowness, patience, messiness, or even humor. Real-life sex can be awkward. Embracing that actually makes it better.
There’s also the ego factor. Some people treat sex like a scoreboard, and oral sex doesn’t always come with a gold star at the end. If orgasm doesn’t happen right away (or at all), they feel like they “failed.” But sex isn’t a video game. It’s not about winning, it’s about enjoying.
Things that actually help, according to people who answered the survey
Since the topic clearly needed more voices, I went back to the same 217 women with one more question: “What makes oral sex great for you?” Here’s what came up the most:
- Consistency. “Don’t stop mid-sentence,” one woman wrote. “If I flinch, it doesn’t mean I want you to change everything.”
- Pressure and rhythm. Not too hard. Not too light. And please, not like Morse code.
- Eye contact (surprise hit). Several women said it made them feel “wanted” and “really seen.”
- Verbal enthusiasm. A little “You taste so good” goes a long way.
- Hands, not just mouth. Especially for thighs, hips, and gentle pressure. Makes a huge difference.
It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being present
People get weird about oral sex because they think there’s some magic move they’re supposed to learn, like a secret handshake. But most of the time, it’s really just about paying attention and slowing the hell down. Being nervous is normal. Laughing is allowed. Nobody’s expecting a cinematic moment straight out of HBO. But showing up, being thoughtful, and actually wanting to please your partner? That’s what makes all the difference.So yeah, let’s talk about cunnilingus like it’s a normal part of healthy sex. Because it is. And the more we stop pretending otherwise, the better it’s going to get for everyone involved.