Why parents shape more than just our childhood
Parents aren’t just responsible for keeping us alive (though shoutout to them for that). The way they raised us shaped how we see relationships, deal with stress, and handle conflict. Ever catch yourself avoiding tough conversations because growing up, any disagreement meant a two-day silent treatment? Yep. Or maybe you over-explain yourself all the time because you were always told, "Because I said so" with no further explanation.
A study from the American Psychological Association found that early parent-child interactions influence everything from self-esteem to how we handle rejection as adults. So if you take every "no" personally or need an entire pep talk just to send an email, you might have some childhood programming still running in the background.
The different kinds of parent baggage
Not all parent issues look the same. Some are loud and obvious, while others are subtle and disguised as "just how I am." A few common ones:
- The people-pleaser. If your childhood was filled with "Don’t upset your father" or "Be a good girl and don’t talk back," there’s a good chance you now struggle with saying no. You probably apologize way too much, even when someone bumps into *you*.
- The emotionally clueless. Some parents weren’t exactly big on feelings. If you grew up with "Stop crying, it’s not a big deal," it’s no surprise that emotions now feel like some foreign language you never learned.
- The approval seeker. Did your parents only show love when you accomplished something? If so, you might find yourself measuring your worth by productivity. Relaxing? Not an option. If you're not achieving something, who even are you?
- The conflict avoider. If your house was a battleground growing up, you might now go out of your way to keep the peace, even when it means sacrificing your own needs. You’d rather suffer in silence than ask the waiter to fix your wrong order.
- The perfectionist. If mistakes weren’t an option in your childhood home, you probably double-check every email 14 times before hitting send and still cringe at things you said ten years ago.
How this messes with relationships (romantic and otherwise)
Parent baggage doesn’t just stay in the past. It sneaks into friendships, work relationships, and love lives. If you grew up in a home where love had conditions, you might struggle to believe someone will stick around when you’re not "perfect." If your parents were overprotective, you might second-guess every decision, wondering if you’re doing it "right."
Romantic relationships are especially fun (read: frustrating) because they tend to bring out all the unresolved stuff. Ever wonder why you freeze up when your partner asks, "What’s wrong?" or why you panic if someone isn’t texting back fast enough? Yeah. You’re not just arguing about dinner—you’re reacting based on years of childhood programming.
So... what do we do about it?
Before you blame your parents for everything (tempting, I know), let’s be real. Most of them were just doing their best with what they had. That doesn’t mean their choices didn’t affect us, but it does mean we have the power to change how we deal with it now.
- Notice the patterns. If you keep dating emotionally unavailable people, hate confrontation, or constantly feel like you have to "earn" love, take a step back and ask why. What messages did you absorb as a kid?
- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. If you grew up avoiding conflict, standing up for yourself might feel like you’re being "too much." But trust me, you’re not. It’s just new.
- Set boundaries. If your parent still calls to micromanage your life, it’s okay to set limits. "Mom, I love you, but I don’t need a reminder to pay my bills" is a full sentence.
- Talk to someone. Therapy isn’t just for "serious problems." Sometimes, it’s just about making sense of why we do the things we do. And yes, talking about your childhood *again* might sound exhausting, but it helps.
- Be kind to yourself. You’re not broken. You’re just human. And humans pick up habits from their environment. The good news? You can unlearn the ones that aren’t serving you anymore.
We’re all a little messed up, and that’s okay
At the end of the day, no one had a perfect childhood, and we all carry little pieces of it into adulthood. The key is figuring out which parts are worth keeping and which ones need a rewrite. And if nothing else, just know that the next time you hear yourself say something *exactly* like your parents, you’re not alone.Now, go enjoy some chocolate. Because honestly, that fixes most things.