You know the type. The girl who’s low-maintenance, never gets mad, laughs at every joke, and somehow manages to look cute even while crying. She’s “cool.” She’s “chill.” She’s “easy to love.” And if you're not her? Well, you might start wondering if you’re the problem.
But here’s a secret you might not have been told: Being “easy to love” isn’t the same as being truly loved. And bending yourself into emotional origami just to be likable? That gets old real fast.
The pressure to be “nice” starts young
It’s not just in dating. It starts way earlier.
Girls get praised for being “sweet” and “well-behaved.” They’re told not to be bossy, not to make a fuss, not to talk too loud. Be helpful. Be polite. Be agreeable.
By the time you're an adult, those messages are baked in. You might not even realize you’re doing it — smoothing over your opinions, apologizing for your feelings, trying not to “make a scene.”
You might say “I’m fine” when you're definitely not. You might worry that being honest will make you sound “dramatic.” Or that setting boundaries will scare people off.
And the worst part? People will praise you for it. For being “so easygoing.” For being “low drama.” For “never causing trouble.”
Meanwhile, you're stuffing your real feelings into the junk drawer of your soul and calling it emotional maturity.
Being good ≠ being loved
A lot of women fall into this trap without realizing it. They become the “good girl” in relationships. The one who’s always there. Always supportive. Always putting their partner’s needs ahead of their own.
At first, it feels safe. Like you’re earning love by being the kind of person who deserves it.
But after a while, something shifts. You start to feel invisible. Or resentful. Or both.
You start asking yourself: Do they love me, or do they just love how easy I make things for them?
Here’s where things get tricky. Because pushing back — saying “no,” asking for more, having an opinion — can feel scary. What if they get mad? What if they leave?
But here’s the deal: If someone only sticks around when you’re swallowing your feelings and playing nice, that’s not love. That’s convenience.
And you’re not here to be someone’s emotional support animal.
The “cool girl” myth is exhausting
Pop culture doesn’t help, either.
How many movies have you seen where the dream girl drinks beer, watches sports, and never gets jealous or emotional? She’s hot and chill. Basically a unicorn in yoga pants.
It’s a trap.
Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula once said that trying to be liked at all costs is actually a trauma response. We shape-shift to avoid conflict or abandonment — especially if we grew up in homes where emotional needs weren’t really met.
So yeah, if you’ve been trained to keep the peace your whole life, it makes sense you’d do it in relationships too.
But here’s what’s wild: The things you think make you “hard to love” — your opinions, your emotions, your standards — are actually the things that make you real.
Wanting more isn’t being needy
You want attention? That’s normal.
You want someone to text you back? Not a crime.
You want to feel heard and supported and adored? Congrats, you’re a human.
Somehow, though, we’ve learned to label all that as “too much.” So we tone it down. We shrink ourselves. We say, “Oh, it’s okay,” when it’s really not.
Meanwhile, research from the Gottman Institute (which studies long-term relationships) shows that the couples who last are the ones who bring stuff up. They argue. They talk about what’s bothering them. They don’t bury everything under a smile.
So no, you don’t have to play cool and chill to keep someone around. The right person will actually want to know what’s going on in your head.
Even when it's messy. Even when it's inconvenient. Even when it comes with a side of ugly crying and "can we talk?"
You don’t have to earn love by disappearing
You don’t have to be “low-maintenance” to be lovable.
You don’t have to agree with everything.
You don’t have to always be the calm one, the forgiving one, the one who never loses her temper.
You get to be real. You get to have bad days. You get to ask for what you need.
And if someone makes you feel like that’s asking too much? Then maybe you’re just asking the wrong person.
The truth is, love isn’t about being easy. It’s about being seen — fully — and cared for anyway.
You’re not here to be a blank canvas for someone else’s comfort. You’re not here to shrink yourself to fit into someone’s idea of “perfect.”You're allowed to take up space. Loudly, awkwardly, emotionally, beautifully. However you show up.
Even if you cry during commercials. Even if you change your mind a lot. Even if you want to text back in under 3 minutes.
You are not “too much.” You are just enough.
And anyone who makes you feel otherwise can take a seat. Preferably far, far away.