So somebody hits you with “How are you” and you’re just like—uh, “fine,” “good,” whatever, right? Same old crap every day. Gets old, doesn’t it? You probably say it too—everybody does. Nothing wrong with that, I guess, but it’s like—boom, conversation dead. Nobody’s got anything to say after “Oh, cool, me too.” Boring as hell. Why not mix it up? Throw something nuts out there, make ‘em laugh or at least blink twice. You tired of sounding like a robot yet? ‘Cause I got some weird stuff you can say instead—check this out.
Stuff better than “doing well”
Like, what if you just go—somewhere between good and freaking amazing, you know? Or—feeling better now you asked, thanks for that. Maybe toss out a “Oh, you’re too sweet!” like they just said you’re hot or something, even though it’s just “how are you”—it’s funny, trust me. My buddy tried that at work once, cracked everybody up. Or—my mood’s been trash but you showing up? Instant boost.
You could hit ‘em with—I’m doing better than most, minding my own damn business. Or get all goofy—I’m as happy as a flea on a fat dog, just bouncing around. Ever try that? What about—honest, you really wanna know? Watch ‘em squirm. Or—I’m ready to roll, locked and loaded, let’s go!
My favorite? “Lawyer says I can’t answer that”—shuts it down quick. Life’s been a freaking circus lately, how’s yours going? You could pull that too. Or—eh, I’m like you but better, obviously. Maybe rate yourself—I’m a solid 7 today, you? I told my sister I was a 3 once, she didn’t even ask why, just nodded.
Could go dark—I was good ‘til you walked in, thanks for that. Or—if I felt any better, I’d drag you into this happy mess with me. Heard some good rumors about myself lately, but who trusts that crap? Or get dumb—like a pig in a bacon factory, just living it up. My cousin said that once, still cracks me up.
What about—living a dream, don’t you dare wake me up! Or—the good part? Plenty of room to suck more tomorrow. I’m average, man, nothing wild. Unless you’re sneaking up on me—then I’m on edge. You ever get paranoid like that? I’m happy though, thanks for checking. Compared to who, anyway—you tell me.
Doing okay—chat me up if you want. Been a good day so far, fingers crossed it doesn’t tank. Or—physically? Mentally? Money-wise? Which one you digging for, huh? Keeps getting weirder every day, that’s me. Not great, but I’ll fake it ‘til the cameras show up. What’s your take—how’m I looking? You see me, you figure it out. Word on the street says I’m killing it—believe that if you want.
[Read: Unlocking Laughter: Expert Tips on How to Be Funny and Charm Your Audience]
Quirky crap to say
Work’s drowning me, pay’s a joke—how’s that for ya? Whining’s useless, nobody’s listening anyway. Just—satisfactory. They’ll wanna know more, bet you anything. Or—if I were any better, I’d be you, right? Not feeling hot—does that bug you? I’m fluffy as cotton candy, man, all sweet and bouncy.
Company says no complaining—sucks for me. I’m boring—not great, not trash, just meh. If I were any better, cops’d lock me up—too good to be legal. So far so good, knock on wood. Chatting with you’s perking me up already. Haven’t had coffee yet—no one’s dead, so we’re golden.
Maybe one day you’ll catch me on a good one—keep dreaming. Sweet as a funnel cake at the fair—sticky too. Depends who you stack me up against. Still breathing, still standing—good enough. Doc says I’m fine, take his word for it. Your turn—how you holding up?
Clapping ‘cause I’m happy—dorky, but true. Still figuring out if I’m good or not—gimme a sec. I’m 32 going on 95, how’s that feel to you? Can’t moan—nobody cares. Ready to crash, man, bed’s calling. Wish it was payday—wouldn’t that be nice? Could use a massage—back’s killing me from sitting all day.
Great on the outside, mess inside—story of my life. Fighting dragons in my head—you got any monsters today? Rumor’s I’m decent—don’t ask who said it. Top of my game, but I’m grading myself, so… yeah. Dancing through life—too bad I suck at it. Almost fabulous—just teetering there.
I’m prime beef, organic and all—grass-fed vibes. Feeling medium—half-cooked, you know? Living some kinda dream—hope it’s not a nightmare. Nearly extinct—send help. Out hunting dragons—you doing anything cool? Swore I’d punch the next guy who asked, but you’re safe—lucky you.
Mumble some gibberish—watch their face. Or—nice try, human, I see you. Not today, devil—back off!
Cheeky stuff to toss back
Too damn good-looking—obviously. Things’d be better if you asked me out already—hint hint. I’m awesome—might be full of myself, who knows. How am I… in bed? Wait, what’d you say? Looking stupid-hot today—can’t help it.
Getting better every second you’re here. Smooth as hell—like old wine or something, I don’t know. What a nosy question—how dare you ask a guy like me! If I were any finer, I’d break—delicate stuff. Living a dream—don’t wake me, but hop in if you want, plenty of space.
Taking over the world—busy day. Best me yet—hope you’re killing it too. So great I gotta hold myself back from clapping—seriously. Next time someone goes “How are you,” screw the usual—hit ‘em with something nuts. Makes ‘em talk, makes ‘em laugh—way better than “fine” every damn time. Life’s too short for that crap—go wild, make ‘em grin. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve said back? Bet it’s gold.