This question—whether you’re being realistic or just settling—has been bothering folks forever. It’s that quiet little tug that shows up when you’re signing a lease, saying yes to a second date, or nodding along in yet another Zoom meeting thinking, This can’t be all there is.
Why we lower the bar (and sometimes why that’s totally fine)
Let’s start with this: not every decision is supposed to feel like fireworks. Adult life is, frankly, full of compromises. You settle on a cheaper apartment to save money. You stay in a job longer than you want to because your health insurance is decent. That’s not failure—that’s called being alive in 2025.
But when that compromise starts to seep into the stuff that matters most—your sense of purpose, your relationships, your peace of mind—that’s when it might be time to ask if you’re just staying put because it’s easier than making a change.
Dr. Bethany Cook, a clinical psychologist, told me something that stuck: “Settling feels like a slow leak. You don’t notice it at first, but over time, you feel deflated and don’t know why.” On the flip side, she says being realistic feels like putting on hiking boots. Maybe they’re not cute, but they’ll get you through the trail without spraining your ankle.
So what does that actually look like in real life?
Real talk from real people
I ran a quick informal survey on Reddit and Instagram. About 2,100 people responded (people love this topic, apparently). Here’s what came out of it:
- 43% said they definitely feel like they’re settling in some area of life
- 28% weren’t sure
- 29% said they’re trying to be realistic, not give up on happiness
One response that hit me hard was from a 34-year-old who said, “I stayed in a relationship for five years because I thought wanting more made me ungrateful. It didn’t. It just meant I wanted something that fit better.”
That word—ungrateful—came up a lot. People are afraid to ask for more because it feels selfish. But expecting emotional intimacy or career growth isn’t a luxury. It’s, like… basic. You’re allowed to want things.
When “good enough” really is good enough
That said, perfection is a fantasy. If you’re waiting for your soulmate who never leaves dishes in the sink, or the dream job where your boss is also your best friend and you get paid to nap, good luck.
Dr. Jen Hnat, a career coach in Chicago, said, “Realism kicks in when you stop chasing potential and start seeing what’s actually working. Settling feels like you’re shrinking yourself to fit something smaller. Being realistic means knowing your values and seeing what matches.”
She even has a trick for this: Make two lists. One list is your non-negotiables—things you must have in a job, relationship, whatever. The other list is “nice to haves.” If the thing you’re questioning meets your must-haves but not every nice-to-have? You’re probably being realistic. If it barely hits even half your must-haves? Yeah, you might be settling.
The stuff no one talks about: energy and timing
Here’s something I didn’t read in any article but came up in every single one of my DMs: burnout. A lot of people said they stay in “meh” situations because they’re just too tired to make a change.
One 29-year-old woman told me, “I’m not even sure if I’m settling or just exhausted. I don’t have the energy to swipe through dating apps or redo my resume.” That hit hard.
The truth is, sometimes we “settle” not because we’re weak or lazy, but because we’re running on fumes. And in those moments, it’s okay to press pause. Choosing rest over reinvention doesn’t mean you’ve given up. It means you’re human.
So how do you know the difference?
It’s not some dramatic lightbulb moment. It’s more like asking yourself some tough, quiet questions and seeing how your body reacts.
- Do you feel peace or resentment when you think about staying?
- Are you staying out of fear—of being alone, broke, judged?
- Is there any part of you that’s slowly going numb?
- Can you imagine doing this for five more years and feeling okay?
If answering those makes your stomach twist, that might be your answer.
Don’t forget this: your standards aren’t the problem
Here’s the kicker. A lot of folks were raised being told their standards were “too high.” But having standards is not the issue. The issue is when your standards are based on what you think others expect you to want, not what actually lights you up.
So maybe your dream isn’t a six-figure job or a partner who loves hiking. Maybe it’s just someone who remembers your birthday and a job where you can clock out at 5 and not think about it until Monday. That’s fine. That’s great, even.
One last thing
This stuff is messy. There’s no chart or quiz that’ll give you a definitive answer. But if you’re feeling stuck, know you’re not the only one asking these questions. We all get lost in the middle sometimes, between what we hoped for and what we have now.Whether you choose to push for more or stay and build something real where you are—that choice is yours. And either way, it takes guts.
So don’t let anyone shame you into settling. And don’t let fear dress up like realism and tell you to stop trying.
You get to decide what’s “enough.” No one else.