I’ve been there. More than once, sadly. And judging by the late-night texts I get from friends and the weirdly emotional Reddit posts I find myself scrolling through at 2 a.m., I’m guessing you might’ve been there too.
Why do we get so stuck on people who mess us up?
Not to go all science class on you, but when you’re wildly attracted to someone, your brain lights up like it just hit a jackpot. Dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline—all the feel-good stuff. But the kicker? Your brain doesn’t care if the person is good for you. It only cares about the rush.
“It’s like your nervous system is on fire, and your judgment just gives up,” said Dr. Amy Jacobs, a therapist who’s seen her fair share of what she calls ‘toxic heat’ relationships. “These connections feel like love, but they’re more about craving than compatibility.”
Craving. That word stuck with me. Because yeah, it’s not love. It’s obsession, fantasy, and let’s be honest, a little bit of self-sabotage.
How it starts (a.k.a. the part that feels magical)
It usually starts fast. Too fast. You feel like they get you. Like, in this freaky way where you're finishing each other's sentences, texting non-stop, maybe staying up all night talking about stuff you never talk about.
But then something starts to feel...off. Like they pull away suddenly. Or you feel like you're chasing their attention. And you know it's not healthy, but you're already in too deep.
Someone told me recently, “I kept checking my phone like a maniac, waiting for his stupid ‘good morning’ text. When it didn’t come, I’d spiral all day. And when it did, I’d feel high. That wasn’t love. That was me losing my damn mind.”
So why do we hang on?
Honestly? Because it feels important. Like the connection must mean something because it's so strong. But strong doesn’t equal good. Hot and heavy doesn’t mean healthy.
And sometimes, the attraction is tied to something deeper. “We’re often drawn to patterns that feel familiar,” Dr. Jacobs told me. “Even if they’re painful. Especially if they’re painful.”
That hit hard. Sometimes you're chasing someone emotionally distant because, deep down, that's what "love" looked like growing up. Yikes.
Some real talk from people who broke free
I asked followers in a private poll (about 2,000 people chimed in—love y’all) if they’d ever had a super intense attraction they knew was bad for them. 73% said yes.
Some quotes that stayed with me:
- “She made me feel like I was either the love of her life or someone she didn’t care about at all. I lived for the highs and hated myself during the lows.”
- “He treated me like an option. But I clung to every tiny breadcrumb of affection like it was a feast.”
- “I kept hoping he’d finally see me the way I saw him. He never did.”
Sound familiar?
Breaking free without losing your mind
Okay, so how do you pull yourself out of this mess when your body is screaming yes and your brain knows it’s a hard no?Here’s what helped me, and what others said worked too:
1. Cut contact, even if it sucks
Like, for real. Block. Mute. Delete. I know it sounds dramatic, but partial contact just keeps the door cracked