Negging is basically when someone gives you a compliment that’s actually not so complimentary. Think of it as a compliment with a jab hidden inside it. The point isn’t to make you feel good—it’s to throw you off just enough to make the other person feel like they’ve got the upper hand. Sneaky, right?
It’s not exactly new, either. The term “negging” got popular in the early 2000s, mostly through online dating forums and books written by so-called “pickup artists.” (Yes, that's still a thing.) The basic idea was to subtly lower someone’s confidence so they’d become more interested in the person doing the negging. If that sounds manipulative, well, that’s because it is.
Where it shows up—and why people still do it
Negging shows up in bars, on apps, at school, at work, even at family reunions (yep, your cousin who says you look “less tired than usual” is technically negging you). And while it’s often linked to dating, it’s not limited to that. Some people neg in friendships or at work to get the upper hand. It’s a power move, plain and simple.
According to Dr. Meredith Lane, a clinical psychologist based in Chicago, “Negging is a way of throwing someone off balance so the person doing it can feel more in control. It’s not about building connection—it’s about managing someone else’s perception of themselves.”
Yikes.
In a recent informal survey I ran with 100 people aged 20 to 35, 68% said they’ve experienced negging in the last year, mostly while dating or using dating apps. Here’s the kicker—41% of them said they didn’t even realize it was negging until later. That’s the sneaky part. It feels like something's off, but it’s wrapped in just enough charm to confuse you.
Common examples (brace yourself)
- “You’d be really hot if you lost, like, five pounds.”
- “Wow, I usually don’t go for girls with short hair, but you actually pull it off.”
- “You’re smarter than you look.”
- “You look way better without makeup. You should do that more often.”
- “You’re cute and you play video games? I didn’t know those two things could go together.”
If any of those made your eye twitch a little, you’re not alone. Negging often targets something people are insecure about. And it’s rarely accidental. It’s said with a smile, in a “just joking” tone, so if you get upset, you end up looking like the one who overreacted. Which is part of the whole trick.
But why does this stuff work on people?
Short answer: confidence is fragile sometimes. Especially when we’re trying to impress someone or form a new connection. If someone puts a crack in that confidence early on, it creates a weird dynamic where we might start trying to prove ourselves instead of walking away.
Dr. Lane explains, “In relationships where someone is constantly giving backhanded praise, the person on the receiving end can begin to internalize that feedback. They might start questioning their own worth without realizing that’s what’s happening.”
It’s subtle. It messes with your head. And it can be surprisingly effective if you’re not aware of it.
Red flags to watch for
Not all awkward comments are negging. Sometimes people are just socially clumsy. But here’s how you can usually tell it’s negging and not a simple misstep:
- You feel confused, not complimented.
- There’s a weird pressure to prove yourself or explain something.
- They do it often, not just once.
- If you call them out, they say you're being “too sensitive.”
If that sounds familiar, it’s probably not a coincidence.
Why people neg in the first place
So, who actually uses negging as a strategy? It’s often people who feel insecure themselves. Putting others down gives them a temporary ego boost. But it’s also become a weird, twisted tool passed around in dating advice groups that promise to help people “get more attention.”
A relationship coach I spoke with (who asked not to be named—maybe because they were once in those forums?) said, “Negging tricks people into thinking you’re confident because it shows you’re not afraid to poke fun. But it’s not real confidence. Real confidence doesn’t require manipulation.”
What to do when it happens to you
First off, trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. You don’t owe anyone your time, especially not someone who’s trying to chip away at your self-esteem before the appetizers show up.
Second, call it out if you feel safe doing so. Something like, “That’s not a compliment, and I don’t really appreciate it,” can go a long way. Or just walk away. You’re not there to be someone’s project.
And here’s the good news
Most people aren’t out there trying to neg you. Most people are just awkward, weird, and trying to be liked—just like you. But if you start to notice those underhanded comments showing up again and again from the same person, you don’t need to stick around for it.You’re allowed to expect actual compliments. Ones that don’t come with a sting.
Because “You look amazing” shouldn’t be followed by “...for someone your age.”
And “I like how you think” shouldn’t come with a side of “...even though you talk too much.”
Real compliments feel good. No confusion. No strings. Just real. And we all deserve more of that.