They walked by. Or laughed at a joke near you. Maybe your eyes met. Maybe not. And now? You’re walking the dog, brushing your teeth, doing laundry, and bam — brain says, “Hey, what if that person is secretly perfect for us?”
Cool. Thanks, brain.
But also… why?
It usually kicks in when your real life’s kinda boring
Be honest. Fantasies like this don’t hit when life’s full. They creep in when you’re in a dry spell. Emotionally. Socially. Romantically. Or you’re just tired. Exhausted, really. From people who don’t get you. From dating apps where everyone says “I love dogs and travel” like that’s personality.
Then someone slightly intriguing appears and your brain’s like, “That one. Let’s build a movie around them.”
You don’t know them, which makes it easy
Knowing nothing is actually perfect. You can imagine anything. You’ve got a blank canvas and full creative control. No annoying habits. No political opinions that make you cringe. No bad jokes. Just a made-up version that says exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.
Someone in a psychology Reddit thread once said, “It’s like writing your favorite fanfic, but in your head. You’re the author and the reader.”
Sounds ridiculous, but it hits.
You’re not broken, it’s just a brain shortcut
Brains like reward. When you see someone attractive or charming or just different in the right way, dopamine fires. Little shot of “that felt good.” And your brain, being lazy and nosy and slightly romantic, goes, “More of that, please.”
And so it replays the two-minute interaction like a greatest hits album. But it adds stuff. Imaginary smiles. What they probably smell like. How they’d react if you ran into each other again.
None of it is real. Doesn’t matter.
It’s not even always sexual
Sometimes it’s not lust. It’s curiosity. Or comfort. Or just this weird draw you can’t explain. One person mentioned it like this: “There’s this guy who held the door open for me four months ago and said ‘after you, m’lady’ in this old-timey accent. I still think about him twice a week.”
Nothing happened. Nothing will. But it’s a soft little mental space to visit.
Sometimes, honestly, it’s projection
Therapists will tell you straight up — we tend to project stuff we’re missing. Someone seems gentle, so we pretend they’re emotionally available. Someone laughs at a joke, so now they must “get” our sense of humor. They’re tall? Must mean they’d be good at holding us during a panic attack, right?
One therapist (quoted in an old Psychology Today article that looked like it hadn’t been updated since 2011) basically said, “We chase what we’re not getting — and we put it wherever our brains feel like it might fit.”
Social media turns sparks into obsessions
Okay. This is a whole thing.
You see someone once, then find them online. They don’t know, obviously. But now you know where they went on vacation, that they like oat milk, and that they follow four astrology meme pages. Your brain makes a whole story. Fills in every blank. Now it’s not a stranger — it’s someone you feel like you almost know.
Which makes it 10x worse.
Because now it feels possible.
But it can also be a creative thing
Not every mental crush is desperation. Some of it’s imagination. Maybe life feels bland and you miss feeling excited. So your brain gives you a little mental playhouse. Something playful. Light. You don’t even want anything from the person — you just want a safe little emotional space.
Kind of like a dream you don’t want to wake up from, even if it doesn’t make sense.
Okay but when is it actually weird?
Thinking about someone too much isn’t a crime. It’s barely even a thing. But if it starts getting in the way — like, if you’re canceling real plans to sit and scroll their profile again, or you’re actively avoiding people you know because fantasy-you is more fun — that’s maybe not great.
Reality should still be able to reach you.
Also, don’t build a whole life in your head and then get mad when the real person doesn’t match it. They didn’t sign up to be your mental boyfriend.
So what helps?
Try this:
- Snap yourself out of it by listing what you actually know. (Usually it’s: They have hands. They wore a hoodie. That’s it.)
- Get busy with actual people. Not dating if you’re not ready. Just... friends. Text someone.
- Ask yourself what you liked about the imaginary version. Was it how kind they seemed? How fun? You probably want more of that in your life, not just in your head.
- And stop judging yourself for it. Everyone does this. Most people just don’t admit it.
In the end, having a mini obsession with a person you barely know isn’t the end of the world. It’s just your brain being dramatic and trying to amuse itself. Like a kid making up stories. It’ll pass. Or it won’t. But either way, it doesn’t make you weird.Just maybe don’t write their last name with your first name unless you’re doing it ironically.